miss-understood
i have ma baby wit me at last. its been 6 mths without him. and we're reunited once again. ma best. happy cats.

its been a tryin endin to April. sudden. abrupt decisions have to be made. had been made and we're on our own now. 2 gals and a male. it's a survival game. we are the shifting cultivators. i hope the transitions end soon. im tired.

dear mum,
happy mothers' day mum. lotsa love and misses. nobody loves me like u do. and i need that. but i guess im on my own now. again. my heart hurts. when will this cycle end. im sorry i havent been a good kid. im sorry for all ma wrongdoings. im learning ma mistakes each day. tryin to make amends. but ppl wont giv u second chances. i guess the ending will be a 1-man show.a solo tune. in blank solitude. i could consider being a humanitarian to 3rd world countries and teach them Art. that should be good for a lonely traveller.
i love u.always.


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life has been full of ups and downs.
home affairs breathes turbulence.hurricane.eruptions.tidal waves.extremely unpredictable conditions.
work conditions have been hectic. daily ongoing projects. ma Art classes have ended. a fruitful experience.but the short stint was enough to suck the very marrow of ma youth.high-energy consumption needed to teach the young.at last its over and now I have ma saturdays free again. yippee!

i want a simple life. nothing complicated. easily contented. i want to play kites. to go picnic. to be serenaided. to paint. to enjoy a day at the zoo or a night out to the nite safari. to go fishing. to spend a whole day snapping pictures. to bring ma cat out for a walk. to go to redang and relax. ease ma mind. just for one day, I want to stop thinking. and let ma mind go blank. free your mind. i need to be less complicated. the simple-minded. how uncluttered the mind is to not be a worry-wort-paper chaser-rat racer.

i know waht I want. there is only 1 thing i need. Love. love cures evrything. love is ma vial of anecdote to cure my poisoned life.but Love always leaves me. it never stays for good...



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"i took my baby's breath.beneath the chandelier. of stars and atmosphere.and watch her disappear. into the darkness..."
its hard to please everybody. especially when they have expectations and code of conduct. i breached that. but i wasnt a good kid in the first place.i took freedom for granted. my coming back late nites stretched from midnites till 2am max.maybe its a question of respect. maybe ...
i cant stand bein stifled. cant stand stayin at home. but im all in the wrong. always. difficult... and nobody loves us no more. so we had to pack our bags and go...what's new.always being given up on.sometimes i question maself: is it so hard to be me. what's the point of pretence. actin good infront of others? i'd rather show my true self. but it always backfires. what u see is what u get. nobody could accept it. maybe i went over the line. too overboard. okay a bad kid. me...
my wrists look temptin. the veins are inviting. why are the trials and tribulations ongoing. its killing me. im trying my patience. ok, another setback just when things were pickin up. like a problem child. full of shites to deal with. inviting hatred. nice slap on the face. yet puttin on a brave front. sayin im indifferent. but truth is, it hurts. inside. gut wrenchin. still cryin maself to sleep. im not expectin your pity. but if everyone gives up on u, how do u expect to carry on. "change ur ways while ur young."
my biggest fear: to be left on ma own.to be given up on. when they want to move on, sayin ur holdin them down.
i could live. and pretend none of all this ever happened. none of this i ever heard. but am still human.despite ma stubborn cold front.
so stay with me. but only because u want to. not out of pity. if u feel u cant hold on, then let go.am not askin for a saviour. dont feel obliged.i am only human. i still have a heart...


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comin out of my cage
and i've been doin juz fine
gotta be down cos i wanted it all
it started with a kiss
how did it end up like this
it was only a kiss
now im fallin asleep
now they're goin to bed
and its all in my head
let me go...cos i juz cant look its killin me
they say again control
jealousy
choke me on ur alibi
but its just the price i pay
destiny is callin me
open up my eagle eyes
cos i missed the brightside

the killers. my latest music antidote to my otherwise upside-down topsy turvy world of my own. sometimes im fine, sometimes its a lie to get thru each day in a less painstakin way. Unkle Sam says, " I know why ur a problem child. cos u miss ur mum so much.but sometimes u just have to learn to let go..."im tryin. so hard. everyday is a struggle. i tink part of me is livin each day like i hav to but at the back of my mind, there's always her. i miss her. i do. so much it hurts. i cant help it. i dont want to end up like this. but at least im livin.'so smile like u mean it..'

these days are spent with work. im a workaholic. 6 days a week. to teach Art to kids is a pain in the ass. literally. its now 12.20 am sunday morn. tomorrow is make it or break it. how do I convince them I really want to teach? class management? out-of the box creative classes? *heavy coughs* i dont want to appear too eager nor too fake. i could be brutally honest but is that wat the ministry wants? lost...i'll just be myself.apply wat i've learnt over the past few saturdays spent with those young, inquisitive, kids eager to paint with their bossy, nosey, overly-high expectations parents hovering behind ur back.'teach less.learn more'...every week i plan my lessons.to make it more interesting than the previous lesson. more hands on. its a process( my key word) the experience. not the results. parents demand too much out of their children: 'u shd improve more on ur brushstrokes..." it makes me laugh. my comeback would be: "sir, its either ur son has it or he doesnt. the word is Talent. u have to be born with it"...hahahah..ouch...so far so good. tiring.trying.but good.an experience. the exposure. the feel of wat its going to be like .wat im teachin is a quarter of the real classroom. omg. now we're talking real experience...i take advice from my teacher- frens who in turn have to take ideas from me as they have to double-up as Art teachers as well. talk about multi-tasking...last sat was sick yet still came for class cos no last min absence is allowed.everythin went well.kids were happy.parents were happy. until the last class. the same bad apple was making trouble again. doesnt want to draw. nor paint. nothin except gameboy. I was sick, cant shout.that was my last straw...opened the door and said "get out of my class now! u dont want to draw. nor paint.so y bother comin to my class. dont waste my time. dont waste your time. pack your bag and go."

lost my patience. always bored at work.short attention span. ADD: attention-deficit-disorder is that what they call it?cant stand sitting for hours doin the same old thing over and over again. i love the airbrushin now. but not for long i figure. the sylvia plath effect: depression more prone to women writers or poets. do I have that too? no longer suicidal. but sickly. cant seem to get well. tired of coughing. which means i cough more than i sleep. sad aint it? i need love. love cures everything...

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the moment she left was a wake-up call for us to get our act together. to be independent. to display our survival insticnts. to be bold. to simply live.sis and i did. sadly he didnt. do we display our flaws only when we're stripped cold of a place to hang on? are we more vulnerable to the outside world only when we lost our comfort zone? i dont want others to see us as handicapped, incomplete without our two pillars of strength. envy is not on my list of sins.we're hanging on by ourselves. standing on our own. does anyone care?
we dont need your pity. have been indifferent to what it feels like to see others bein showered by their parents love. it doesnt hurt to see that they have a place to rely on when they have their difficult moments. have I lost any sense of feeling at all? has aloofness consumed me whole-heartedly? i've never forgotten how she loved me.but i miss her. so much. my heart aches. thank God im still capable of feeling.

please let me know, that my one bad day will end...